Mission Bowling Club, San Francisco, CA

Maybe you've already heard of Mission Chinese. You know, that spot that everyone from Lidia Bastianich to...well, everyone else gushes over (personally, I think they're food is migraine inducing over-the-top %#@^$ SALTY!!! And I'm a salt fiend!!).

Well, Anthony Myint, the chef guy from Mission Chinese, now also runs the restaurant inside Mission Bowling, a large, hip bowling spot on 17th between South Van Ness and Shotwell. I'm not sure how the bowling is, but I do know a bit about the food.

Notice miniscule "burger" to the left. People trying to maintain a normal 2000-a day calorie diet need not apply.

How would you like a 3 x 1.5" rectangular vegan burger for $10.00? Well, that's exactly how I felt. Granted it was served with a small salad, which I promptly substituted with fries, a decision for which I was fined an additional dollar.

The side of fries was a smallish medium in terms of portion size (for some reason, the photo above makes the portion size look larger than it actually was), and there were a few mealy ones in the bunch. However, most of them were cooked well and had great texture and flavor. Although extremely underseasoned, a good hit of salt and ketchup helped remedy that. A decent side of fries, if a bit on the expensive side.

I've heard some great things about their cocktails, so I'd be willing to go back if a friend really wanted to. Just not sure I would order the My Little Pony-sized vegan "burger" again. I felt pretty ripped off (ie, I did not think it was a great burger. I would have been fine with a frozen Boca Burger).

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Price: $11 (includes $1 penalty) when ordered with a doll-size vegan "burger"
$6 if ordered alone as a side (this version comes with a "dipping sauce." I have no idea what that means).


Portion Size: Smallish-Medium (although if you don't have my appetite, you'd prolly think it was more on the Medium side)
Texture: A few mealy ones, but overall good texture, chew, and crispiness of outside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (standard grease level)
Seasoning: None (really needed it)
Fried In: I believe some sort of vegetable oil

Condiments: salt, pepper, ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 5.75 out of 10

L'as Du Fallafel, Paris, France

I took about 10 cell phone photos (on my crappy phone) of the facade of this place (here's the Wiki page), because for some reason I found it HILARIOUS that underneath their neon OPEN sign are the words: "As recommended by Lenny Kravitz." There were also photographs of Lenny Kravitz all over the windows. Lenny Kravitz likes falafel!

 

L'As du Fallafel does indeed serve up a really amazing falafel sandwich, stuffed with nuggets of eggplant and hummus (take note if you ever find yourself in the Jewish Quarter in Paris!) (PS: I actually liked the falafel from a nearby competitor a bit more, but this was still far better than anything I've ever had in the US. Sorry Oren's–which I've reviewed a few posts earlier, declaring it to serve to the best falafel sandwich I've ever had. That winning title for Oren's still stands up in the States, though).

Unfortunately, for me, but not for Lenny, the french fries did not match up to the falafel sandwich, although they still worked, if you know what I mean (ie, I finished them all). The fries were a bit on the thick side, which is not an issue for me, but they unfortunately suffered from being a bit mealy on the inside (sigh–that seems to be a pretty consistent problem with a lot of fries I've tasted lately); however, despite these shortcomings, they did still manage to eke out some pretty decent flavor. Extra points for being piping hot.

Above you are seeing remnants of a once big bowl of fries.

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Price: I can't remember, but I have the receipt somewhere. It's in Euros!
Portion Size: Large
Texture: A bit mealy on the inside, very slight crisp on the outside. Could use more frying/cooking time.

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (standard grease level)
Seasoning: None (really needed it)
Fried In: I believe some sort of vegetable oil

Condiments: salt, pepper, ketchup, hot sauce

Overall Quality of French Fries: 5.75 out of 10

Side Note: Lenny Kravitz approves!

The Cheesecake Factory, Freehold, NJ

Overall, my dining experience at The Cheesecake Factory was not satisfactory. People of America, do not be angry with me; I simply did not have a very good experience. I know that waiting 45 minutes to 2 hours with a vibrating beeper hanging around your person should by default guarantee a fine dining adventure, but I cannot lie. (Admittedly, I went here with my cousins who had a coupon, and who can turn that down?) 

My veggie burger with a side of fries arrived, and immediately one of my cousins remarked, eyes widening, " Did they just put a bunch of salt on your burger?" I looked down at my open-face meatless burger and confirmed that yes, indeed, someone must have poured a crapload of salt on my burger–the glistening crystals cut through the dimly lit dining area, piled high like frosting on the mound of mushy, flat, brown "veggie burger" (was that amazing prose, or what? Yes, it's terrible. It sort of reads like a romance novel. Without the romance. Just bad fries).

So, as far as the burger went, in the words of my 5-year old niece, it was undeniably "GROSS." Mushy and flavorless in that weird "veggie-burger-made-with-cardboard" sort of way, the salt could do nothing to save it. But that was the burger. As for the fries, well, not so great either.



The fries were undercooked, pale, flavorless. I mean, white as an old man's legs. Or something like that. They also had some weird dry texture to them, kind of like mushy peanut butter.

At least the Big Gulp sized Diet Coke came with free refills. The Cheesecake Factory provided me with a totally weird and bizarre almost Disneyesque (read: 500-page menu, or how ever many pages it is–how is it that The Cheesecake Factory menu on the Big Bang Theory is only a double-sided sheet?!) food experience. *PLEASE NOTE: This is not to say some of their other dishes don't taste "good," so please withhold your angry emails about their delicious cheesecake varieties.

+++

Price: $3.95
Portion Size: Medium
Texture: Mushy, peanut-butter texture

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (standard grease level)
Seasoning: None
Fried In: Canola Oil

Condiments: salt, pepper, ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 3.75 out of 10. Kinda Super Gross.

Gott's Roadside, San Francisco, CA

Gott's (for some reason Blogger won't let me make this a link, but it's: www.gotts.com in case you're interested) used to be Taylor's Automatic Refresher in the Ferry Building. At Taylor's I used to be able to get a grilled cheese, but not anymore. Supposedly the Taylor family was not amused at the Gotts' family name-changing decision. More importantly: For the non-burger lover--why get rid of the simple (yet overpriced) grilled cheese? And, hi!, on the day I'm craving fish 'n chips, I discover that Gott's got rid of that too. Like the Taylors, so not amused.

In any event, the fries were pretty good. I was sort of disappointed sitting up at the counter and watching someone pour out frozen fries from a giant brown bag, but I guess not every fry can be freshly hand-cut.

The fries themselves were pretty hot, but I don't think they were the freshest. Like everything else, they were sitting on the counter for a long time, and then quickly re-heated in the heat-blaster (which is fine, I mean, I use a microwave. But all that food sitting up there was pretty yukky to watch in person). Pretty good crispiness on the outside, decent chew and softness on the inside.

And PS: Whoever ordered those salads that sat on the counter for literally 45 minutes or more--when the fry team left, they were still there--I feel sorry for you.

+++

Price: $2.89

Portion Size: Medium

Texture: Slightly crispy on outside, soft in the mid-section.

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (standard grease level)

Seasoning: Okay

Fried In: Some sort of 100 percent vegetable oil

Condiments: salt, pepper, ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 6.75 out of 10

Portal in Oakland, CA, Part Two

 As promised, I returned to Portal.

This time I tried the Sweet Potato fries. They arrived nice and hot, but my fellow fry taster immediately noted, "They didn't give us very much!" Unfortunately, the Sweet Potato frites suffered the same problems that the Smoked Chili fries did (previous post). They look pretty crispy on the outside, but again they were undercooked on the inside. Fellow fry taster hypothesized that perhaps they are not double-fried like most fries are. This sounds like a very likely possibility, but I can't be sure.

(Gross photo taken in dim light. Apologies.)

They were probably not as well seasoned as the Smoked Chili fries, but still the frites were pretty tasty, just undercooked. It's a shame.

(Side note. On the menu it reads: "Sweet Potato, garlic, ginger aioli," which is a bit confusing.

The garlic and ginger are actually in the aioli; the garlic is not mixed in with the fries.)

+++

Price: $6.00
Portion Size: Small!
Texture: Slightly crispy on outside, quite undercooked on the inside. Sad face.

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Oh man. Perfect.
Fried in: Rice Oil

Condiments: garlic and ginger aioli, ketchup


Overall Quality of French Fries: 6 out of 10.

Portal in Oakland, CA

Don't be afraid of Portal. It shares its facade with a tattoo parlor, and unfortunately the graffiti on the side of the building gives it a sort of this-restaurant-must-be-gross-and-vile vibe.

However, once inside you will notice how cozy and warm it is, and the best part? The back patio is awesome! Sure, the weird netting from the tennis courts across the street doesn't exactly scream paradise, but it's something (that's all I ask for around here), and you can even see some of Lake Merritt if you're facing in the right direction.



Anyway, one look at Portal's menu says it all. Smoked Chili fries? Herbed Garlic fries? Sweet Potato? Cereally, this menu will kill a die-hard fry lover. I decided not to go insane on my first visit to Portal, and shared an order of the Smoked Chili fries with my fry partner. As the menu implies, the fries are topped with Himalayan (or so they say! I did not actually fact-check and/or bring my lab equipment to make sure this was true) salt and lime.



Oh, man, these fries were so well seasoned. So it's a shame that they were a bit undercooked--they just weren't soft enough on the inside and were a tad on the hard side. However, I must once again emphasize how darn good the seasoning was, the salt and lime really shined (shone?) through and made them terribly addicting in spite of not frying in the oil quite long enough.

I'll be back to try the other flavors soon!

+++

Price: $5.00
Portion Size: Medium
Texture: Slightly crispy on outside, a bit hard and undercooked on the inside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Oh man. Perfect.
Fried in: Rice Oil

Condiments: ketchup Overall Quality of French Fries: 6.5 out of 10.

BEST FRENCH FRIES EVER TO APPEAR AT A WEDDING BUFFFET, Portland, OR

(PS: I just noticed I spelled "Buffet" with three "T''s" in the title.  It's like an onomatopoeia! BuFFFFFet, as in endddddddlesssssss....)

I will say it again. These french fries are the best french fries ever to appear at a wedding buffet. B & T's wedding at the Portland Art Museum was absolutely lovely, from the ceremony itself, to the table settings to the wedding cake topper created by T herself. And yes, there was a wedding buffet that was full of delights, plus assorted doughnuts in addition to the gorgeous wedding cake. And pizza was even delivered in the wee hours while the dancing was winding down!

It's sort of unfair to judge fries at a wedding buffet. I mean, how often do you see unlimited potatoes prepared in the french manner offered on a day of matrimonial celebration? Let's just say that I initially got what was on the bottom of the pan…And then my companion saw that a fresh tray was coming out and heaped a pile of those on my plate.

Cell phone photo does not do justice to the amazing meal, I promise.

Delicious. The hot-fresh fries were amazing. Please do not be mad at me, gentle readers--I mean, reader, meaning myself--but the middle could of been cooked just a wee bit more. I'm going to leave it at that. Because they were still awesome.

B & T, you are an awesome couple. Here's to a lifetime of love and happiness together! Thank you for allowing me to partake on your special day and be the freak who had an obscene pile of fries on her plate, surrounded by various toppings (some stolen from the Roast Beef Station) smeared everywhere.

+++

Price: N/A (THE BEST KIND)
Portion Size: XXXXX Large.
Texture: Crispy on outside, maybe a bit undercooked in the middle (at least the batch I got. But still, I must emphasize, AWESOME).

Greasiness Level: 2 out of 5 (actually not that greasy)
Seasoning: A bit underseasoned, but I took care of that with the condiments.
Fried in: presumably a vegetable oil?

Condiments: "Borrowed" from Roast Beef Station: horseradish, soft red onions, mustard

ketchup and ranch dressing (ranch dressing at a wedding, people!)


Overall Quality of French Fries: 7.25 out of 10