How to Read a French Fry

My friend Brad alerted me to the existence of a certain book by Russ Parsons titled, How to Read a French Fry: And Other Stories of Intriguing Kitchen Science, which apparently tells you how to well, read a french fry (and other stories). I bought this book for myself in order be eligible for free Amazon shipping (meanies), and after reading it will hopefully have a better understanding of the fries I eat. Here's to science and food!

Hudson Diner in the West Village, NY

The Hudson Diner happened to be open at 11:15 PM (if you've ever been in that area on Hudson Street in the freezing cold, you know that your dining options are limited for a reasonably-priced meal). And the sign says, "Breakfast * Lunch* Dinner * Ice Cream" for goodness sake!
What's not to like?


(See that second plate of fries? They came with my friend's order of Eggs Benedict.
Please don't ask why.)


Well, I must say that the fries were pretty subpar. Most likely frozen, but they did arrive screamingly hot, which I wholeheartedly appreciated. Sort of a harder-than-usual mealy on the inside, crispy on the outside, they were pretty much what I expected. They tasted sort of what I imagine styrofoam to taste like, totally bland. Nevertheless…

Bonus points: My friend and I were the only ones there the Sunday night after Christmas, and they stayed open for us until close to midnight, even though they were scheduled to close shop at 11:30. I'd go back again, not for the fries, but for the friendly staff and comfort of a diner in the middle of New York Nowhere.

+++

Price: $9.10, came with my Garden Burger (also not good, but that's another story)
Portion Size: Small
Texture: Crispy on outside, mealy on the inside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Completely underseasoned
Fried in: Some salt of vegetable oil

Condiments: ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper

Overall Quality of French Fries: 3.5 out of 10.

Pacific Coast Brewing Company in Oakland, CA

Please don't even get me started on the disgusting eggplant "sandwich" topped with congealed paremesan cheese that I ordered at the Pacific Coast Brewing Company (the fries came with it. Not sure how much fries are if they are just ordered as a side, it doesn't say on their menu). I have very vivid memories of that eggplant sandwich. 45 percent congealed, shiny cheese, 45 percent bread, and the rest assorted vegetables. To be eaten with a steak knife and a fork.

(*Note congealed atrocity in background)

As for the fries, I cereally didn't think they were so bad. Sure they were most likely frozen, and were over-cooked. And they glistened with an orange hue. But I've had waaaaay worse. My french-fry partner-in-crime for the day deemed them absolutely horrifying. I give them a steady 5.5, if only because they could be easily disguised with salt, pepper, and an occasional dip in ketchup. Not too shabby for a fluorescent orange fry. I realize this rating will baffle some of you, but again, I have had way worse, and for me these were tolerable!

*I should mention that the weirdness of this experience--the cheese, the sandwich, did I mention the cheese, and the poor wait service--was amplified by the fact that the restaurant was filled with people on lunch break from a "Jewelry Convention" going on down the street, and that 99 percent of the diners were older white people (mostly women, and a few husbands who probably wanted to cry). I did see a couple Asian ladies who are apparently into beads and stuff there too. Even weirder, though, was when my companion and I were asked if we were "in town for the Jewelry Convention," which completely baffled me, seeing as I don't perceive either of us as putting out any bead-making vibes.

+++

Price: $11.00 includes gross congealed sandwich

Portion Size: Medium
Texture: A tad hard on outside, soft on inside. A bit overcooked.

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Underseasoned!
Fried in: Some sort of vegetable oil

Condiments: Salt, pepper, mustard, ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 5.5 out of 10.

Souley Vegan in Oakland, CA

Souley Vegan. 

I'm sorry, but for sweet potato fries that are a whopping $6.00, they'd better be good. And I admit that the portion size was HUGE. But unfortunately, the fries arrived lukewarm, which quickly became room-temp, and even quicklier (if that's a word) became Cold, with a capital "C."

(apologies for Gross Photo)

Instead of your standard fry, the sweet potato fries here are more like circular rounds, ie, the potatoes are not sliced in the traditional rectangular fashion. For me, they were pretty mushy and soggy all around, and very underseasoned. While my companion thought they were "good," I am not going to be as forgiving.  I'm sure they would have been much better had they arrived hot, but the service at Souley Vegan is very, very slow, and I'm sure the poor potatoes were sitting in some window for a while (I waited 45 minutes for my takeout order, which did include two sandwiches, but I think that's kind of a wait for such a small order).

If you do go, try the Southern Fried Tofu sandwich, which I think is awesome (I've been there before on a day when the place was practically empty...and still waited almost 40 minutes for a sandwich). For the price, however, I would skip the sweet potato fries.

+++

Price: $6.00

Portion Size: Extra large
Texture: Very mushy, with an occasional fry with a slightly crispy skin. Arrived lukewarm :( Waaaahhhhh....considering the wait.

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Totally underseasoned, a disappointment considering I love the Tofu sandwich here
Fried in: Some salt of vegetable oil

Condiments: Salt, pepper, hot sauce ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 5.25 out of 10.
Would probably be way better if they arrived hot, or even sort-of warm.

Roosevelt Hotel Bar in Los Angeles, CA

I learned that the Roosevelt Hotel hosted the first Academy Awards in 1929, and according to the bartender, it lasted a mere 15 minutes. According to Wiki, if that's not Hollywood enough for you, it is supposedly haunted by the ghosts of Marilyn Monroe (in her afterlife, she's been seen dancing around in the ballroom) and Montgomery Clift (people claim that his ghost plays the bugle!). Oh yeah, and Courtney Love got taken away in an ambulance there.

The hotel's Spanish Colonial architecture shines through in the glamour and splendor of the lobby (I wasn't a paying guest, just a fry-seeker, so I have no idea what the rest of the building is like), indeed old and glamorous (I should mention that if I ever win the lottery, I would indeed like to be a paying guest and spend time playing vintage bowling in the "speakeasy gaming lounge"). Bubbling fountain, anyone? Ceiling fresco, anyone?

So now to the fries. They are kennebec steak fries, which is not really my favorite type of fry, so right off the bat I had a bias against them. They were huge, slightly crispy on the outside, and as expected, meaty on the inside, and not seasoned well. But thankfully there was a side of ketchup to dunk them in. However, points for the fact that they arrived PIPING HOT. I should also note that even just sitting at the bar, my friends and I were treated like royalty. I would go back just to hang out at the lovely bar, a quick air-conditioned get-away from the crazy surroundings (tourists, Gruaman's Theater, etc.). I don't really care that these fries weren't my favorite, I love this place.

+++

Price: $6.00

Portion Size: Small

Texture: Crispy on outside, soft and meaty on the inside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)

Seasoning: Salt and parsley

Fried in: Some salt of vegetable oil

Condiments: ketchup, salt, pepper

Overall Quality of French Fries: 5.75 out of 10.

*Note: But I would go back for the ambience!

Red Robin Gourmet Burger in Vacaville, CA

Pale yumminess.

Yes, I went to

Red Robin (please insert registered trademark here) Gourmet Burger .

I ordered a BOCA burger that came with their Bottomless Steak Fries® (and don't you forget to insert registered trademark here as well!). Don't make the mistake of looking at their nutritional information or googling it. I looked up the info on my veggie burger and it was 610 calories, not including the frikkin' cheese! I'm not sure how you can make an innocent vegan burger that many calories, but I'm assuming it's all in the oil and bun.

Back to the fries. According to the web site, they are fried in "zero trans fat oil," aka "hydrogenated soybean oil." But is this soybean oil laced in lard? I want to get to the bottom of my 610 calorie BOCA burger! (Not to go on a tirade, but I buy BOCA Burgers occasionally for home use, and know that depending on which kind you're buying, they're not more than 100 calories a burger, and that buns are generally about 210 or so calories for BOTH top and bottom portions of the bun).

I didn't look up the nutritional "value" of the fries, because it would probably make me faint. They were okay, in a frozen sort of way. Slightly crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. They are thick, long, fat steak fries, not my mostest favorite in the first place, but do-able. And if you are on some kind of french fry diet, I imagine the bottomless basket would be a godsend. Homer Simpson, take note.

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Price: $7.89 included my BOCA burger and endless fries

Portion Size: Bottomless! (you just have to ask for refills)

Texture: Crispy on outside, soft on the inside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)

Seasoning: Underseasoned

Fried in: Hydrogenated soybean oil, aka "zero trans fat oil"

Condiments: ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper

Additional comments: Most likely pre-cut and frozen. They just have that "been around the block for a while" taste and texture to them.

Overall Quality of French Fries: 4 out of 10.

Extra point for being bottomless and thus, a boon for those experiencing economic hardship and intense french fry cravings.

FiveTenBurger Truck in Oakland, CA

I made it here at the verylastsecond just before the FiveTenBurger truck was closing up (disappointing groups of people waiting behind me). My fellow taster loved the fries, but for me they were a bit too much on the chewy side, which is not a texture I love in a french fry.

(extreme closeup)

Now, I want to explain something here. I enjoy the "bite" or chew of a fry, no doubt about it. However, I do not want my fry to have the consistency of chewing gum. For me, slight chew equals A-OK. Too much chew equals Only OK if Gum, and if in fact gum, a french fry-flavored gum.

That being said, the fries were perfectly seasoned, well salted with just a hint of garlic. Plus, the portion was absolutely huge for $2.50, and while I felt pretty "city" doing it, the fact that they were served in a bag allowed me to walk and eat at the same time. If I spot this truck again, I am there!

+++
 

Price: $7.00

Portion Size: Large

Texture: Slightly crispy on outside, soft on the inside, and overall pretty chewy

Greasiness Level: 4 out of 5 (pretty greasy)

Seasoning: Well seasoned with salt and a hint of garlic

Fried in: Some sort of vegetable oil. They use something called "garlic oil." Does this mean the fries are cooked in garlic oil, or simply tossed in garlic oil? And what kind of oil is this, specifically?

Condiments: ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 7 out of 10