Portal in Oakland, CA

Don't be afraid of Portal. It shares its facade with a tattoo parlor, and unfortunately the graffiti on the side of the building gives it a sort of this-restaurant-must-be-gross-and-vile vibe.

However, once inside you will notice how cozy and warm it is, and the best part? The back patio is awesome! Sure, the weird netting from the tennis courts across the street doesn't exactly scream paradise, but it's something (that's all I ask for around here), and you can even see some of Lake Merritt if you're facing in the right direction.



Anyway, one look at Portal's menu says it all. Smoked Chili fries? Herbed Garlic fries? Sweet Potato? Cereally, this menu will kill a die-hard fry lover. I decided not to go insane on my first visit to Portal, and shared an order of the Smoked Chili fries with my fry partner. As the menu implies, the fries are topped with Himalayan (or so they say! I did not actually fact-check and/or bring my lab equipment to make sure this was true) salt and lime.



Oh, man, these fries were so well seasoned. So it's a shame that they were a bit undercooked--they just weren't soft enough on the inside and were a tad on the hard side. However, I must once again emphasize how darn good the seasoning was, the salt and lime really shined (shone?) through and made them terribly addicting in spite of not frying in the oil quite long enough.

I'll be back to try the other flavors soon!

+++

Price: $5.00
Portion Size: Medium
Texture: Slightly crispy on outside, a bit hard and undercooked on the inside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Oh man. Perfect.
Fried in: Rice Oil

Condiments: ketchup Overall Quality of French Fries: 6.5 out of 10.

BEST FRENCH FRIES EVER TO APPEAR AT A WEDDING BUFFFET, Portland, OR

(PS: I just noticed I spelled "Buffet" with three "T''s" in the title.  It's like an onomatopoeia! BuFFFFFet, as in endddddddlesssssss....)

I will say it again. These french fries are the best french fries ever to appear at a wedding buffet. B & T's wedding at the Portland Art Museum was absolutely lovely, from the ceremony itself, to the table settings to the wedding cake topper created by T herself. And yes, there was a wedding buffet that was full of delights, plus assorted doughnuts in addition to the gorgeous wedding cake. And pizza was even delivered in the wee hours while the dancing was winding down!

It's sort of unfair to judge fries at a wedding buffet. I mean, how often do you see unlimited potatoes prepared in the french manner offered on a day of matrimonial celebration? Let's just say that I initially got what was on the bottom of the pan…And then my companion saw that a fresh tray was coming out and heaped a pile of those on my plate.

Cell phone photo does not do justice to the amazing meal, I promise.

Delicious. The hot-fresh fries were amazing. Please do not be mad at me, gentle readers--I mean, reader, meaning myself--but the middle could of been cooked just a wee bit more. I'm going to leave it at that. Because they were still awesome.

B & T, you are an awesome couple. Here's to a lifetime of love and happiness together! Thank you for allowing me to partake on your special day and be the freak who had an obscene pile of fries on her plate, surrounded by various toppings (some stolen from the Roast Beef Station) smeared everywhere.

+++

Price: N/A (THE BEST KIND)
Portion Size: XXXXX Large.
Texture: Crispy on outside, maybe a bit undercooked in the middle (at least the batch I got. But still, I must emphasize, AWESOME).

Greasiness Level: 2 out of 5 (actually not that greasy)
Seasoning: A bit underseasoned, but I took care of that with the condiments.
Fried in: presumably a vegetable oil?

Condiments: "Borrowed" from Roast Beef Station: horseradish, soft red onions, mustard

ketchup and ranch dressing (ranch dressing at a wedding, people!)


Overall Quality of French Fries: 7.25 out of 10

A word I hope to never use

...In a description of french fries:

DELISH.

Thank you, Rachael Ray, for corrupting the English language with your crazy abbreviations! (Actually, I don't really mind her, but DELISH is something I do not ever want to acquire in my vocabulary).

Fine. You've probably heard me use the word, "Yumsters." But I think I made that up on my own time, even if you've probably heard it elsewhere. And I probably use the word "amazing" too much. Still, neither of those words is as bad as DELISH. The word is delicious. There's an ending to it!

Barney's Gourmet Hamburger in Oakland, CA

Barney's has locations in a bunch of different locations. This review is for the fries at the Oakland location.

You can order a side of fries in three sizes: Full, half, and single. I ordered single orders of both the Spicy Curly Fries and Skinny Fries, and let me tell you that these are a STEAL. For $2.50 you can get a large bowl of french fries, which is probably one of the best deals you'll ever find in the Bay Area because that bowl of fries was, as I said, LARGE, people! With the money you've saved on the fries, you can then walk down the street to Fenton's and a get a nice scoop of Coffee Cookie Dream!

Onto the fries.

(Please forgive the somewhat gross close-up shots)

Part 1.
Skinny Fries. They seem cut in-house, nice and skinny, but were really pale (AKA, New oil that has not broken down yet, and thus the oil cannot properly penetrate the outside of the potato. See, I'm learning!). Slight crunch on the outside, maybe just a tad bit too mealy on the inside. Underseasoned, but some salt really brought out the fried potato flavor (sidenote regarding something really annoying: the salt is contained in a salt shaker grinder apparatus, and was not the appropriate type of grinder for such large salt rocks. It took a bit too long just to get a tiny sprinkle of salt on the fries, and the fries really needed a lot of salt).

The Skinny Fries are definitely better than most of what you can find out there. I'd order them again, knowing that some salt and ketchup will definitely help out.

Part 2.
Spicy Curly Fries, served with "home-style" ranch dressing. I'm not sure what "home-style" means. In the style of home? Made in the kitchen? Anyway,  these fries were again a bit underseasoned and needed a bit of salt. They are really not even "spicy," although there are hints of something caliente in the batter. From what I could tell they looked battered and then deep fried.

These, however, were nice and crisp on the outside, soft in the middle. One can only assume that these were fried in a completely different batch of frying oil. The flavor of these fries were definitely enhanced by a dip in the ranch dressing. I really enjoyed these, although they're not really comparable to a regular old standard fry.


Skinny Fries:
Price: $2.50 (a steal, people!)
Portion Size: Large
Texture: Not crispy enough on outside, a bit mealy on the inside. Super pale!

Greasiness Level: 2 out of 5 (actually not that greasy)
Seasoning: Very underseasoned
Fried in: 100 percent vegetable oil


Condiments: salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard

Overall Quality of French Fries: 6.0 out of 10 (don't be mad at me, Brad. I still think these had good flavor in spite of the paleness. And at least there was some crispness on the outside.)

VERSUS

Spicy Curly Fries
Price: $2.75 (again, an absolute STEAL!)
Portion Size: Large
Texture: Crispy on outside, soft on the inside. Yum.

Greasiness Level: 2 out of 5 (not that greasy)
Seasoning: Underseasoned
Fried in: 100 percent vegetable oil


Condiments: Comes with a side of home-style (what does that mean?) ranch dressing that really enhances the flavor, salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard

Overall Quality of French Fries: 

Not what I would really deem "spicy" (ie, it's not going to knock your socks off or anything), but there is a definite hint of spice.

7.5 out of 10

Kwik Way Drive-In in Oakland, CA

(This is way overdue. Like, a year and a half, so apologies for that.) 

First, a bit of a history lesson courtesy of the East Bay Express (from an article by John Birdsall in June, 2011) about your friendly local Kwik Way Drive-In:

"In the Fifties [Kwik Way] was part of a local drive-in chain…In the days of red-lining Kwik Way's customers were mostly white; after I-580 slashed through the neighborhood in the 1960s, they were mostly black. Like a wide swath of Oakland's commons the Kwik Way withered, then closed, though the parking lot continued to thrive — no more cheeseburgers or fried prawns, but a late-night menu of eight balls and front-seat blow jobs, with the roar of the freeway as soundtrack."

In other words, it used to be a place that a younger Anthony Bourdain would have frequented (I'm assuming that here, "eight ball" means the white stuff and not pool-playing).

Today, it is a pleasant walk up, with five tables outdoors so you can eat in the sun. As for the fries, let me just say this: I was SHOCKED.  The first thing you notice is that the portion size is quite generous for the price (just $2.15 including the tax!).

 

(This time around they were brought home and above appear on the kitchen cutting board.)

The quality and taste are superb, and the fries appear to be hand-cut. They arrived piping hot and delicately cooked with a slightly crispy skin and hot, soft innards (ooh, so graphic). These tasty morsels are also incredibly well-seasoned with a very nice balance of salt, pepper, and parsley.

I had such low expectations for Kwik Way, but I think I may have found a new love.

+++

Price: $1.95 ($2.15 includes tax. Or maybe it was $2.12. What's the tax here again? I don't feel like calculating right now.)

Portion Size: A bit bigger than a medium
Texture: Crispy on outside, soft on the inside

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Perfecto! Salt, pepper, and parsley
Fried in: Canola Oil

Condiments: ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper

Overall Quality of French Fries: 8 out of 10. YUM.

Oren's Hummus Shop in Palo Alto, CA

 If for some reason you find yourself at Stanford University–perhaps even just to see a spectacular college campus–then there's no reason not to take a little trip down the street to Oren's Hummus Shop.

It's called a Hummus Shop for a reason. The hummus, falafel, and pita bread are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

The fries maybe not so much, but I do think they are made in-house, so points for that. The fries were pale, like they had not been cooked through enough, and were a bit too mealy on the inside. They were also underseasoned. But I feel like Oren's can almost get away with it what with the quality of the remainder of the menu. They probably have the best falafel sandwich I've ever tasted, and it's probably a good thing that I don't live down the street from this place, because I would be even poorer than I already am.

Sidenote: Are you a Seinfeld fan and ever wondered what a Babka looks like in real life? They have both Chocolate and Poppyseed Babka, people! I've always been too full to even think about it, but I promise one day I will leave enough stomach room to actually buy one and taste it.

+++

Price: $3.95
Portion Size: Medium
Texture: Not crispy enough on outside, soft on the inside. Pale.

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Underseasoned
Fried in: Some sort of vegetable oil

Condiments: salt, pepper, ketchup

Overall Quality of French Fries: 5.5 out of 10

Cato's Ale House in Oakland, CA

This review is long overdue. I have been going here for a few months now, as part of a crack team trying to win trivia on Monday Trivia Nights. The music round gets us every time! My go-to guess whenever I hear a boy band is the Jonas Brothers (always wrong), and I don't even know if they're around as a 3-member band anymore. We lost our young pop culture genius for the next couple months as she travels across the world, and that has been quite a blow. But there is always the fries.

 (soft focus shot)

Onto the fries. First two times I got them, eh, not so bad. 6.0 But a few nights ago I got them again as part of the Fish 'n Chips plate (DELICIOUS) and damn, those fries were good! Different cook? Different oil? I don't know what it was, but that night was a magical night for the fries. Nice and crisp on the outside, good frikkin' chew (I use the word "frikkin'" to express how outstanding that bite/chew/slight give was), and nice, soft, and piping hot innards. Also, because it was part of the Fish 'n Chips entree, it came with a spicy chili aioli which was quite nice for dipping purposes. Will be trying again, very soon.

+++

Price: $4.50 as a side ($9.95 if you want the Fish 'n Chips plate)
Portion Size: Medium
Texture: Crispy on outside, soft on the inside, darn good chew!

Greasiness Level: 3 out of 5 (a bit greasy)
Seasoning: Well seasoned with salt
Fried in: Some sort of vegetable oil

Condiments: ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper

Overall Quality of French Fries: Apparently varies. 6.0 the first few times, 7.5 on my most recent visit. Yum.